The Call That Changed Everything
The Call That Changed EverythingHere’s something we hear often at Seaside Staffing Company: “I’ve never had household staff before, and I don’t know what I don’t know. How do I really know if someone is telling the truth about their experience?” You’re about to hire what seems like the perfect estate manager for your New York City penthouse. The resume is impressive. The interview went beautifully. You’re ready to make an offer. But then you make that reference check call, and something in the former employer’s voice makes you pause.
After two decades of conducting thousands of reference checks for families hiring household staff, we’ve learned that what references don’t say often matters more than what they do say. We’ve caught fabricated employment histories, discovered undisclosed terminations, and uncovered patterns of behavior that candidates carefully hid during interviews. We’ve also saved families from catastrophically expensive hiring mistakes by recognizing subtle red flags that inexperienced employers miss entirely.
The work we do at Seaside Staffing Company is never automated, and it’s never one-size-fits-all. We believe reference checks are protective intelligence gathering, not just box-checking exercises. When you’re conducting reference checks for household staff in New York City, you need to know what questions reveal truth, which answers warrant concern, and when seemingly small hesitations signal serious problems.
Red Flag One: The Reference Who Won’t Really Talk
Let’s start with the most common and often most revealing red flag during reference checks: the reference who confirms employment dates but refuses to say anything substantive about the candidate’s actual performance. They verify that yes, this person worked for them from this date to that date. When you ask about strengths, you get vague platitudes. When you ask about areas for growth, they deflect. When you try to dig deeper, they become uncomfortable.
Here’s what families often don’t realize: in household staffing, former employers who had genuinely positive experiences are usually eager to share details. They’ll tell stories about how their estate manager anticipated problems before they occurred or how their private chef created meals their picky children actually ate. They’ll express genuine regret about the employment ending. They’ll offer to answer any questions you have.
When a reference provides only bare-minimum confirmation without enthusiasm or detail, something is wrong. At Seaside Staffing Company, we’ve learned that this pattern almost always indicates one of three situations: the employment ended badly and the reference is being professionally restrained, the candidate’s performance was mediocre at best and the reference doesn’t want to damage them but also won’t lie, or the reference isn’t actually a former employer but a friend or family member pretending to be.
Here’s a real story from our two decades in New York City. A family was hiring their first house manager and called a reference who verified employment but offered nothing else. The family, being polite, didn’t push. We called the same reference using our professional approach and asked specific scenario questions. The reference finally admitted the candidate had been terminated for repeatedly violating family privacy by discussing their household with others. That one honest conversation saved the family from a disastrous hire.
What to do when you encounter this red flag: push for specifics with professional persistence. Ask scenario-based questions that require detailed answers. “Can you tell me about a time when they handled an unexpected crisis?” or “What was their approach to managing vendor relationships?” If the reference still won’t provide substance, that silence is your answer. Move on to other candidates.
Red Flag Two: Dates That Don’t Quite Add Up
The second critical red flag during reference checks involves employment dates that don’t align perfectly with what the candidate stated. Maybe the reference says they worked together from January to November, but the resume claims January through the following February. Perhaps the reference remembers them leaving in summer, but the application lists fall departure. These discrepancies might seem minor, but they reveal something troubling: the candidate is willing to lie.
Here’s what we’ve learned at Seaside Staffing Company: people who fudge employment dates are usually hiding gaps in employment or covering up short tenures that raise questions. They’re betting you won’t notice a few months’ difference or won’t care enough to dig deeper. But if someone will lie about something you can easily verify, what else are they misrepresenting?
We once conducted reference checks for a Manhattan family hiring an estate manager. The candidate claimed five years with a previous family. The reference confirmed employment but mentioned it was “about three and a half years, give or take.” We dug deeper and discovered the candidate had been terminated after three years and spent the next eighteen months unemployed before drastically exaggerating their tenure. When we confronted the discrepancy, the candidate admitted to “rounding up” and we immediately withdrew our recommendation.
Employment gaps aren’t inherently disqualifying. Life happens. People take time off for family reasons, health issues, travel, or career transitions. What’s disqualifying is dishonesty about those gaps. At Seaside Staffing Company, we’ve successfully placed many candidates who had employment gaps they explained honestly. We’ve never successfully placed anyone who lied about their work history.
What to do when you encounter this red flag: verify exact dates with references and compare them meticulously to what the candidate provided. If there are discrepancies, give the candidate one opportunity to explain. If their explanation involves anything other than genuine mistake or misunderstanding, end the process immediately. Dishonesty during hiring predicts dishonesty during employment.
Red Flag Three: Hesitation Before Rehire Questions
The third red flag during reference checks is subtle but powerful: noticeable hesitation before answering whether they would rehire the candidate. This is typically one of the final questions in reference checks, and the pause before answering tells you everything you need to know.
When former employers had truly positive experiences with household staff, they answer the rehire question instantly and enthusiastically. “Absolutely, we’d hire them back in a heartbeat if they were available.” “I wish we could still employ them.” “If our circumstances changed and we needed someone again, they’d be my first call.” These responses come quickly because they’re genuine.
When there’s a pause, a throat-clear, a careful “well, it would depend on the situation,” or a qualified “yes” that comes with caveats, you’ve just learned that this person shouldn’t be hired. The reference is trying to be kind while being honest. They’re signaling that something was wrong without explicitly saying what.
Here’s a story from our experience placing staff in New York City. A family was hiring a private chef and the reference check seemed fine until we asked about rehiring. There was a three-second pause before the reference said “I think they could be great in the right situation.” That hesitation made us probe deeper. Eventually the reference admitted the chef was technically skilled but created constant drama among household staff and made working environments tense. The family thanked us profusely for catching what they would have missed.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we don’t just ask the rehire question. We listen to how it’s answered. Tone of voice, speed of response, and any qualifications all matter. References often try to be diplomatic while being truthful. Our job is hearing what they’re really communicating.
What to do when you encounter this red flag: if you hear hesitation or qualified affirmation on the rehire question, immediately follow up. “I noticed a pause there. Is there anything I should know?” or “You mentioned the right situation. What situation wouldn’t be right?” Give the reference explicit permission to be candid. Often they’re relieved to share concerns they were reluctant to volunteer.
Red Flag Four: References Who Only Discuss Tasks, Never Character
The fourth significant red flag during reference checks occurs when references can discuss what the candidate did but struggle to describe who the candidate is. They can tell you the estate manager coordinated vendors and managed budgets. They cannot tell you whether the estate manager was trustworthy, discreet, or emotionally intelligent. This pattern suggests surface-level working relationships that never developed depth, usually because the candidate kept professional distance or behaved differently with employers than with staff.
Household employment is intimate. These aren’t office jobs where professional distance makes sense. People working in private homes develop real relationships with their employers. When former employers can’t describe a candidate’s character, work ethic, or personal qualities beyond task completion, something prevented that relationship from forming normally.
We once checked references for a house manager candidate in a Park Avenue household. Three different references could recite responsibilities but became vague when asked about character. One finally admitted, “I’m not really sure what to say about them as a person. They did the job but I never felt like I really knew them.” Further investigation revealed the candidate was competent but so guarded that families never felt comfortable trusting them fully. That’s not someone you want managing your household.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we specifically ask character questions during reference checks. “How would you describe their integrity?” “Can you share an example of when they demonstrated problem-solving?” “What was their emotional intelligence like?” References who can’t answer these questions are revealing that the candidate never earned enough trust for honest assessment.
What to do when you encounter this red flag: distinguish between references who are protecting privacy by not sharing personal details versus references who genuinely don’t know the candidate’s character. Ask directly, “Did you feel you could trust them completely?” If the reference can’t give an unqualified yes, dig deeper into why trust never fully developed.
Red Flag Five: Conspicuous Absence of Recent References
The fifth critical red flag during reference checks is when a candidate cannot or will not provide references from their most recent position. They offer references from two or three jobs ago, but nothing from the family they just left. They have excuses: the family moved abroad and is unreachable, the family is very private and won’t take calls, they’re still technically employed but giving notice and don’t want current employers contacted yet.
Here’s what two decades at Seaside Staffing Company has taught us: legitimate candidates can almost always provide recent references, even if those conversations require some coordination. Current employers who are losing staff they value will often agree to confidential reference conversations. Former employers who appreciated their staff remain reachable even after moving. The absence of recent references almost always means the most recent employment ended badly.
We once had a candidate applying for estate manager positions in New York City who provided excellent references from four and six years prior but nothing from the past three years. The candidate explained the recent families were “very private.” We eventually tracked down one of those references through professional networks. They’d terminated the candidate for financial impropriety. The candidate had been unemployed since, living off savings while hoping to find work before that termination became discoverable.
Sometimes candidates offer only personal references or professional references from different industries entirely. “My previous family won’t give references, but here’s my college professor and my neighbor who’s a lawyer.” This is equally concerning. You need references who have directly observed the candidate in household employment, ideally in roles similar to what you’re hiring for.
What to do when you encounter this red flag: require at least one reference from the candidate’s most recent household position. If they absolutely cannot provide it, understand you’re taking significant risk. At minimum, ask extremely detailed questions about why that reference is unavailable and verify the candidate’s explanation independently if possible. Better yet, work with an agency like Seaside Staffing Company that has resources to conduct more thorough investigations.
The Questions That Reveal Truth
Beyond recognizing red flags, you need to know which questions during reference checks actually reveal useful information. At Seaside Staffing Company, we’ve refined our reference check process over twenty years to ask questions that get past rehearsed answers to honest assessment.
Instead of asking “Did they do a good job?” ask “Can you give me a specific example of how they handled an unexpected challenge?” Specific examples are harder to fabricate and reveal actual problem-solving in action.
Instead of asking “Were they reliable?” ask “How many times did they call out sick or arrive late during their employment?” Quantifiable information is harder to spin than subjective assessments.
Instead of asking “Did you get along?” ask “How did they handle feedback or correction?” This reveals emotional maturity, which predicts long-term success far better than technical competence.
Instead of asking “Why did they leave?” ask “If you could change one thing about your working relationship, what would it have been?” This question often reveals friction points the reference wouldn’t volunteer directly.
Instead of accepting “They were great” ask “Everyone has areas for growth. What would you coach them on for their next position?” References who claim candidates have zero weaknesses aren’t being honest. Everyone has development areas. References who thoughtfully identify growth opportunities while maintaining overall positive assessment are providing valuable, realistic information.
Here’s a story from our New York City placements. A family was checking references themselves for a potential private chef. They asked standard questions and heard positive responses. We called the same references with our more probing questions. One reference admitted that while the chef was talented, they consistently struggled with time management and often served meals thirty minutes late. That detail, which the reference hadn’t volunteered but answered honestly when asked specifically, was crucial for this family who valued punctuality. They hired a different chef whose strengths better matched their priorities.
When Your Gut Says Something Is Off
Here’s something we emphasize at Seaside Staffing Company: beyond specific red flags, trust your instincts during reference checks. If something feels wrong, even if you can’t articulate exactly what, investigate further. Our instincts process subtle cues that our conscious minds miss.
Maybe the reference’s tone doesn’t match their words. They’re saying positive things but their voice lacks enthusiasm. Maybe there are long pauses before answering routine questions. Maybe they’re carefully choosing words in ways that feel overly cautious. Maybe they seem relieved when the call ends. These subtle signals matter.
We once conducted reference checks where everything the reference said was technically positive, but our recruiter felt uneasy about the conversation’s overall tone. We called a second reference from the same household and discovered the first reference had been instructed by the candidate to “say nice things.” The second reference was more forthcoming about performance issues that led to termination. That instinct-driven follow-up prevented a bad placement.
Your gut feeling during reference checks deserves investigation, not dismissal. At Seaside Staffing Company, if something feels off, we dig deeper until we either confirm concerns or understand why we felt uneasy. We never ignore instincts that have been honed by twenty years of experience.
What Green Lights Look Like By Contrast
Understanding red flags matters, but recognizing green lights during reference checks helps you feel confident when you’ve found the right candidate. Here’s what genuinely positive references sound like after two decades of conducting them.
Green light one: enthusiastic, immediate affirmation when you ask if they’d rehire the candidate. “Oh my goodness, absolutely. We were heartbroken when they left.” “In a heartbeat. They were phenomenal.” These responses come quickly and emotionally because they’re genuine.
Green light two: specific, detailed stories that illustrate positive qualities. References who share concrete examples of how the candidate solved problems, demonstrated integrity, or went above and beyond aren’t reading from scripts. They’re remembering real experiences with someone they genuinely valued.
Green light three: balanced assessment that includes minor growth areas within overwhelmingly positive context. “They were wonderful. If I had to nitpick, sometimes they needed reminders about updating the household calendar, but that’s truly minor compared to everything they did well.” This kind of honesty signals the reference is being truthful rather than overselling.
Green light four: expressions of genuine sadness or regret about the employment ending. “We only lost them because we relocated and they couldn’t move with us. I still miss having them.” “They left to be closer to aging parents. We understood completely but it was hard to lose someone so valuable.”
Green light five: willingness to take as much time as you need and answer any questions thoroughly. References who genuinely appreciate former staff are happy to help them find great next positions. They’re not rushing through calls or being stingy with information.
When you experience these green lights during reference checks, you can feel confident you’re making a sound hiring decision. At Seaside Staffing Company, we celebrate when reference checks reveal candidates who are exactly as impressive as they seemed during interviews.
Why Professional Reference Checks Matter
Here’s something families often don’t realize: conducting thorough reference checks for household staff requires different skills than checking references for corporate employees. Household employment involves intimate access to your family, your home, and your private life. The stakes are higher. The potential for harm from a bad hire is greater. The cost of mistakes is more significant.
At Seaside Staffing Company, our recruiters have conducted thousands of reference checks. We know which questions reveal truth. We recognize subtle red flags. We understand how to make references comfortable enough to share honest concerns. We have professional networks that help us verify information independently.
When families conduct reference checks themselves, they often accept information at face value, miss subtle warning signs, or feel uncomfortable pushing for details. They don’t want to seem suspicious or difficult. They worry about offending candidates by questioning thoroughly. These understandable hesitations lead to hiring mistakes that could have been prevented.
A Manhattan family once hired a house manager after conducting their own reference checks. Everything seemed fine. Three months later, they discovered the house manager was consistently lying about vendor invoices and pocketing the difference. When we investigated afterward, we found that the red flags had been present during reference checks, but the family missed them because they didn’t know what to listen for.
This doesn’t mean families shouldn’t conduct reference checks themselves. It means understanding that professional expertise in reference checking has real value, especially for your first household staff hire when you lack experience distinguishing between normal variation and genuine red flags.
The Protection We Provide
While you’ll never see us trying to become the biggest household staffing company, you’ll always see us working hard to remain the best. Part of what makes us best is the protective work we do during reference checks that families never see but that saves them from costly mistakes.
We don’t just call references. We investigate. We ask probing questions. We call back when answers seem rehearsed. We verify information through professional networks. We trust our instincts when something feels wrong. We’ve walked away from placements that seemed perfect because reference checks revealed concerns, even when families were eager to hire.
Here’s a recent example. We were placing an estate manager with a Upper East Side family. The candidate interviewed brilliantly. The family adored them. Reference checks seemed positive initially. But our recruiter noticed slight hesitations during the rehire question. We dug deeper and discovered the candidate had been terminated for violating confidentiality agreements by posting about the family on social media. The family was grateful we caught what would have been a devastating hire.
When you work with Seaside Staffing Company, you’re protected by our twenty years of experience conducting reference checks, our professional networks that help verify information, our willingness to dig deeper when something feels wrong, and our commitment to your long-term satisfaction over making quick placements.
Your Next Step
If you’re reading this because you’re about to conduct reference checks yourself for household staff in New York City, we hope this guidance helps you recognize red flags and ask questions that reveal truth. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of making the right hiring decision, we’re here to help.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we make uncommonly good matches because we take the time to thoroughly vet every candidate, including conducting professional reference checks that protect your family from costly mistakes. When you’re hiring household staff, you deserve the protection of experienced experts who know what questions to ask and which red flags should stop you cold.
Let us help you hire with confidence, knowing that every candidate we recommend has passed thorough reference checks conducted by professionals who genuinely care about your family’s safety and satisfaction.
