She’s been your nanny for seven years. Seven years. She watched your kids grow from toddlers to elementary schoolers. She knows your family better than most of your actual relatives do. Your kids call her by her first name like she’s an aunt. And it’s just not working anymore. Maybe her skills didn’t keep up as your kids’ needs changed. Maybe she’s burned out and going through the motions. Maybe there are performance issues you’ve tried fixing but nothing’s changed. Whatever it is, you’ve hit that awful point where you know she needs to go but the thought of actually doing it makes you feel sick. This is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do as an employer. Ending relationships with long-term staff who feel like family. People who’ve been loyal to you for years. People you genuinely care about even though the working relationship’s broken. Look, most families avoid this conversation for months or years because it feels impossible. They put up with situations that clearly aren’t working because actually firing someone after all that time feels cruel and overwhelming. But here’s the thing – keeping staff in roles that aren’t working doesn’t help anybody. Not you. Not your kids. And honestly? Not them either. So let me walk you through how to handle this when you’ve got no choice, even though every part of it sucks.
Why long-term makes it harder
Firing someone who’s been with you six months? Straightforward. The relationship’s professional and limited. You can end it cleanly without a ton of emotional mess. Firing someone who’s been with you five or seven or ten years? Whole different ballgame. They’ve been woven into your family’s life. They know intimate stuff about you. They’ve taken care of your kids through huge developmental years. They’ve been there for major family moments. The relationship has depth and history that makes ending it feel like you’re betraying someone who’s been loyal to you. You might actually love this person. You care what happens to them. You know their family situation. You went to their kid’s graduation. You’ve helped them through hard times. They’re not just an employee – they matter to you. And now you have to fire them. How do you reconcile caring about someone with ending their job? Even when you know it’s what your family needs? San Francisco families deal with this all the time after years of close relationships in expensive housing where household staff basically become part of the family. The line between professional and personal gets so blurry over the years that separating feels brutal.
When staying too long becomes the problem
Sometimes families hang onto staff way longer than they should because they can’t face ending things. That just makes it worse. Your kids notice when their nanny’s not really engaged anymore but she’s still showing up every day. They feel that disconnect even if you’re pretending everything’s fine. Your household’s a mess when staff are struggling but you won’t deal with it. Stuff that should run smoothly is constantly falling apart. The stress bleeds into everything. And your staff member? They usually know it’s not working either. But they’re stuck because they need the paycheck and don’t know how to quit gracefully after so many years. They’re trapped in something that sucks for them too, waiting for you to make the move they can’t. Dragging it out because you can’t have the hard conversation just makes it worse for everyone.
The actual reasons families let people go
Before we get into how to actually do this, let’s talk about legitimate reasons for ending long-term employment. Because there are good reasons and there are shitty reasons, and you need to know the difference. Good reasons: Performance issues that haven’t improved despite you trying. Like, you’ve had direct conversations, given specific feedback, given them time to fix it – and things still aren’t better. That’s legit. Changed family needs that don’t match their skills anymore. Your kids went from babies who needed basic care to school-age kids who need homework help and activity coordination, but your nanny’s skills stayed stuck at the baby stage. Not her fault, but it’s a real mismatch. Serious boundary violations or genuinely problematic behavior. Not little annoyances – actual issues around safety, honesty, being professional, judgment calls that create problems. Complete burnout where they’re obviously exhausted and can’t do the job anymore, and they’re not willing to make changes that might help. Personal stuff in their life that makes reliable work impossible – major health issues, family crises preventing them from focusing, substance problems, whatever’s truly stopping them from doing the job. Or the relationship’s gotten so strained that working together creates constant tension that makes your household miserable. Those are all hard situations, but they’re legitimate. Not legitimate reasons: You found someone cheaper. You’re annoyed by personality quirks that don’t actually affect their work. You’re avoiding conversations about stuff you could fix if you tried.
The conversation nobody wants to have
Okay, so you’ve decided you have to do this. You need an actual termination conversation. You can’t just gradually cut their hours hoping they’ll quit. You can’t make things so awkward they leave on their own. You have to actually tell them you’re ending their employment. How you handle this matters hugely for everyone involved. Schedule a real meeting. Don’t do this in passing or while you’re rushing out the door. Set aside actual time when you can talk without interruptions. Be direct. “I need to tell you that we’re ending your employment. Your last day will be [specific date].” Don’t dance around it or soften it so much they don’t get what you’re saying. Be kind, but be clear. Give a reason but don’t go overboard. Briefly explain why you’re making this decision. Don’t list every little thing they’ve ever done wrong. Just honest, compassionate explanation of why this isn’t working. Acknowledge the history. Recognize what they’ve given your family over the years. Express real appreciation. This person dedicated years to you – acknowledge that even as you’re ending things. Cover the logistics. Last day, final payment, any severance, references, returning keys, transition plans. They need to know the practical stuff. Let them react. They might cry. They might get angry. They might be shocked. Let them have their feelings without trying to manage it or defend yourself.
Severance for long-term staff
If you’re ending employment with someone who’s been with you many years, severance is appropriate. It’s not legally required in most situations, but it’s the right thing to do for staff who’ve given you years of service. Common approach: one to two weeks’ pay for every year of service. Someone who worked for you seven years might get seven to fourteen weeks of severance. That cushions them financially while they find new positions. Some families provide more generous severance for truly long-term staff – maybe three weeks per year, or flat amounts that reflect the relationship’s depth. Severance acknowledges that ending long-term employment affects people’s lives significantly and you’re helping ease that transition even though you’re choosing to end the relationship. San Francisco’s expensive market makes severance even more important. Household staff here can’t afford extended unemployment while finding comparable positions. Generous severance reflects that reality.
The reference question
After years of employment, staff need strong references to get new positions. How you handle references after termination says a lot about your character. If performance issues led to termination, you can still provide references that acknowledge what this person did well over the years. Focus on strengths rather than dwelling on problems that led to separation. If the termination was truly about fit or changed needs rather than poor performance, say that clearly in references. “She was excellent with our kids as babies and toddlers. As they aged into school years, we needed different support, but she’s wonderful with young children.” Don’t sabotage someone’s future employment because you had to end your working relationship. Unless there were serious issues around safety or honesty that other families need to know about, provide references that help them find appropriate new placements.
The kids’ perspective
Long-term household staff are genuine relationships for your children. Ending employment means your kids are losing someone important to them. That matters. Talk to your kids age-appropriately about what’s happening. Don’t make the staff member the villain. Explain that sometimes people move to different jobs even though we care about them. Allow for goodbyes. Let your kids say proper farewells to someone who’s been part of their lives for years. Don’t just have the person disappear. Validate your kids’ feelings. They might be sad or angry or confused. That’s normal. Ending long-term relationships is hard for everyone. Consider keeping in touch if appropriate and if the staff member wants that. Maybe occasional contact so your kids can maintain connection with someone who mattered to them. This depends entirely on the situation and everyone’s comfort levels.
When guilt prevents necessary action
The hardest part? Managing your own guilt. You feel like you’re betraying someone who’s been loyal. You’re worried about how they’ll manage financially. You’re anxious about hurting someone you care about. That guilt’s normal. It means you’re a decent person. But it can’t be what stops you from making the right decision for your family. You’re not a bad person for ending employment that doesn’t work. You’re not cruel for making changes when your needs have evolved. You’re not betraying anyone by recognizing the fit’s wrong now. What honors the relationship? Treating them well through the process – generous severance, strong references, clear communication, respect. But staying in a situation that’s broken because you feel guilty? That helps nobody.
The families who handle it well
Families who end long-term staff relationships well usually do several things. They make the decision clearly once they know it’s necessary rather than prolonging bad situations indefinitely. They don’t drag it out for months avoiding the conversation. They handle the termination conversation with genuine respect and compassion. They’re direct but kind. They acknowledge history while being clear about what’s happening. They provide generous severance that reflects years of service. They don’t nickel-and-dime or try to minimize costs at the expense of someone who gave them years. They give strong references that help staff find new appropriate positions. They’re honest but supportive. They allow proper transitions and goodbyes especially for kids who have real relationships with staff. They maintain their own boundaries after separation. They don’t try to stay close friends if that’s awkward, but they’re warm and kind when paths cross.
What happens after
Ending long-term staff relationships creates transitions for everyone. You need to find replacement staff who fit your current needs. Your kids adjust to new care situations. Your household operations shift as new people learn your routines. It’s disruptive short-term. That’s unavoidable. But if you were in situations that genuinely weren’t working anymore, the disruption is temporary and things usually stabilize into better arrangements fairly quickly. Most families who finally end relationships they should have ended earlier report feeling relieved once it’s done. The anticipation and dread were worse than the actual separation. Their households function better with people who are actually good fits for current needs. The staff members often do fine after initial transitions. Many find positions that better match their strengths or that offer fresh starts without the baggage of relationships that had run their course. The ending that felt impossible often turns out to be okay for everyone once people move through the difficult parts.
When you’re avoiding because it’s hard
If you know your staff situation’s broken but you’re frozen about ending it, ask yourself what’s really stopping you. Is it genuine uncertainty about whether you should fire them? Or are you just avoiding something hard? Those are different problems. If you’re truly unsure, get outside perspective from pros who do this for a living. If you’re sure but paralyzed, that’s fear of a difficult conversation – understandable, but not a reason to stay stuck. Is it concern about their wellbeing? Or is it guilt about ending something that used to be good? Concern for their wellbeing gets handled through generous severance and strong references. Guilt is your feeling to deal with – not their problem to solve by staying in a job that doesn’t work. Are you worried about finding someone new? Or do you genuinely think no one could be better? If it’s just the hassle of finding replacements, that’s short-term pain worth enduring. If you truly believe no one else could do better, maybe the problems aren’t as bad as you think and you need to adjust your expectations instead. Be honest with yourself. Usually it’s fear of the conversation plus guilt about hurting someone you care about. Real feelings. But not good enough reasons to keep everyone trapped in something that’s not working.
Making the call
At some point, if you know it’s not working, you’ve got to make the call. Even though it’s hard. Your job is taking care of your family’s needs. That means having household staff who can actually do what you need at the level you need it. Putting up with inadequate situations because you’re avoiding hard conversations doesn’t help your family. Your job is also treating people right through tough transitions. Generous severance. Honest references that help them find new work. Clear communication. Compassion. That’s how you honor years of service while still making necessary changes. Both things are true. You can care about someone and still need to fire them. You can appreciate what they gave you while knowing it’s not working now. You can feel sad about it ending while knowing it has to end. Handle it well. Be kind but clear. Support them through the transition. Let them say proper goodbyes. Then move forward with staffing that actually works for your family now instead of staying stuck in arrangements that stopped fitting years ago. It’s hard. Do it anyway when you need to. That’s what being a responsible employer looks like sometimes.
