Your house manager is generally good at her job, but there are things she needs to improve. She’s been forgetting to follow up with contractors, her communication could be more proactive, and she’s a bit too casual about keeping you informed of household issues. You need to address these things because they’re not going away on their own, but you’ve never had this kind of conversation with household staff before. You don’t want to be harsh or make her feel attacked, but you also genuinely need things to change. So now you’re avoiding the conversation entirely because you don’t know how to do it without making everything uncomfortable.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we hear from families in Seattle and everywhere else constantly about how hard it is to give feedback to household staff. There’s something about the fact that they work in your home that makes these conversations feel more personal and awkward than they would in a regular office. But avoiding feedback doesn’t make problems go away, it just makes them worse. Here’s how to actually have these conversations in a way that improves performance without destroying the working relationship.
Why Feedback Feels So Awkward With Household Staff
There are specific reasons feedback conversations with household staff feel different and harder than giving feedback in other contexts. They work in your personal space, which makes everything feel more intimate and less professional. You see them in casual settings when you’re not at your most professional either. The power dynamic is weird. you’re their employer but it doesn’t feel like a traditional boss-employee relationship when they’re in your kitchen and around your kids. If the conversation goes badly, you can’t just avoid them. they’re still going to be in your house. Many families have never managed employees before, so they don’t have experience giving constructive feedback. And honestly, a lot of people were raised to think criticizing someone’s work is mean, so they avoid it entirely even when it’s necessary and appropriate.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we remind families that feedback is part of managing employees, and household staff are employees even though the setting is personal. Not giving feedback when things need to improve doesn’t protect anyone. it just allows problems to continue and resentment to build. A family in Seattle’s Capitol Hill avoided giving their house manager feedback for six months about repeated issues. They kept hoping she’d figure it out on her own. She didn’t, because she had no idea they were unhappy. When they finally brought it up, she was blindsided and upset that they’d been silently frustrated for months without telling her. The relationship was harder to repair at that point than it would have been if they’d addressed issues early.
The Difference Between Feedback and Criticism
Part of what makes this hard is people confuse feedback with criticism. Criticism is negative, personal, and doesn’t help anyone improve. “You’re not good at your job” or “You never do things right.” Feedback is specific, action-oriented, and focused on improvement. “I’ve noticed that contractor follow-ups have been falling through the cracks. Let’s talk about a system to make sure that happens consistently.” Criticism makes people defensive. Feedback, when done well, helps people get better at their jobs. Your goal isn’t to make your house manager feel bad, it’s to help her improve in specific areas so the working relationship works better for everyone.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we coach families on how to frame feedback constructively. The formula is simple: describe the specific behavior or issue, explain why it matters, and discuss solutions together. A family in Seattle’s Queen Anne needed to give their housekeeper feedback about cleaning consistency. Instead of saying “your cleaning isn’t good enough” which is vague and feels like an attack, they said “I’ve noticed the bathrooms haven’t been getting fully cleaned each week, the shower tiles especially. Clean bathrooms are really important to us. Can we talk about what’s making it hard to get to everything?” That’s specific, explains why it matters, and invites problem-solving rather than making the housekeeper defensive.
Timing Matters More Than You Think
When you give feedback affects how it’s received. Give feedback soon after you notice an issue, not weeks or months later when resentment has built up. Address things when they’re small and fixable, not after they’ve become big patterns that feel overwhelming. Don’t give feedback when you’re angry or frustrated; wait until you’re calm. Don’t ambush someone with feedback in the middle of their workday when they’re in the middle of tasks. Schedule a specific time to talk so they’re mentally prepared for a more serious conversation. Don’t save up multiple issues and dump them all at once; that feels like an attack. Address issues individually as they come up.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we tell families that regular, small feedback conversations prevent the need for big uncomfortable ones later. A family in Ballard started having brief weekly check-ins with their house manager where they’d mention anything that needed adjustment. Small course corrections weekly meant issues never festered into major problems. The house manager actually appreciated the regular communication because she always knew where she stood and could adjust quickly.
Starting the Conversation
The beginning of the feedback conversation sets the tone for everything else. Ask for a time to talk rather than springing it on them. “Can we sit down tomorrow afternoon to discuss how things are going?” Open with something positive and genuine. “You’ve been doing really well with managing the vendors and staying on budget.” Then transition to what needs to improve. “There’s one area where I’d like to see some changes.” Be direct but not harsh. “I’ve noticed that communication about household issues has been inconsistent, and I need that to improve.” Don’t dance around the issue for ten minutes before getting to the point; that makes everyone more anxious.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we’ve seen feedback conversations go sideways because families spend so long on the positive preamble that the actual feedback gets lost or minimized. A family in Fremont told their nanny they wanted to talk, then spent fifteen minutes praising everything she did well. By the time they got to the actual issue they needed to address, she was confused about why they’d even asked for a meeting. Be genuine with praise, but don’t bury the real point of the conversation.
Being Specific About What Needs to Change
Vague feedback doesn’t help anyone improve. “You need to be more professional” doesn’t tell someone what to actually do differently. “I need you to respond to my texts within 2 hours during work hours” is specific and actionable. “Your work needs to be better” is useless. “The kitchen needs to be cleaned to the point where counters are completely clear and the sink is empty before you leave for the day” is specific. Give concrete examples of what you’re talking about. “Last Tuesday the contractor showed up and you hadn’t confirmed with them, so they wasted a trip. On Thursday there was a leak and I didn’t find out about it until I got home. These are the kinds of things I need to hear about immediately.”
The more specific you are, the easier it is for your staff member to actually fix the issue. At Seaside Staffing Company, we help families identify exactly what behavior needs to change before they have the conversation. A family in Wallingford told their house manager she needed to be “more organized” which meant nothing to her. When they got specific, saying “I need you to use the shared calendar for all appointments and updates so I can see what’s happening each week,” she understood exactly what to do and made the change immediately.
Listening to Their Perspective
Feedback shouldn’t be a one-way lecture. After you explain what needs to change, stop and listen. Ask for their perspective. “Help me understand what’s making this difficult.” There might be legitimate reasons things aren’t working. maybe your expectations weren’t clear, maybe they don’t have the tools they need, maybe there’s something happening you don’t know about. They might have a different view of the situation that’s worth hearing. Even if you don’t change your mind about what needs to improve, listening shows respect and might reveal solutions you hadn’t thought of.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we’ve seen plenty of situations where the feedback conversation revealed information that changed how families approached the problem. A family in Seattle’s Eastside gave their private chef feedback about meal timing being inconsistent. When they listened to her explanation, they realized the kitchen renovation they’d been doing made her normal workflow impossible. The issue wasn’t her performance, it was the circumstances. They worked together on a temporary solution until the renovation finished, which they wouldn’t have thought of if they’d just delivered feedback without listening.
Working Together on Solutions
Don’t just identify problems, work on solutions together. “How can we make sure contractor follow-ups happen consistently?” might lead to your house manager suggesting a shared project management system or weekly status updates. She knows her workflow better than you do, so she might have ideas about what would actually work. When staff are involved in creating the solution, they’re more bought in to making it succeed. Obviously as the employer, you get final say, but collaborative problem-solving works better than just dictating changes.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we encourage a collaborative approach to addressing performance issues. A family in Bellevue needed their housekeeper to be more thorough. Instead of just telling her to do better, they asked “What would help you make sure you get to everything each week?” She suggested a checklist and more time for certain rooms. They worked together on a realistic weekly plan that accounted for how long tasks actually took, and her performance improved immediately because she’d helped design the solution.
Following Up After the Conversation
The feedback conversation isn’t the end. you need to follow up to see if things actually improved. A week or two after the conversation, check in. “I’ve noticed contractor follow-ups have been much more consistent this week. That’s exactly what I needed. Thank you.” Or if things haven’t improved, address it again. “We talked about proactive communication last week, but I’m still finding out about issues too late. Let’s talk about what’s getting in the way of making that change.” Following up shows you’re paying attention and that the conversation mattered. It also gives you a chance to acknowledge improvement, which reinforces the change.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we tell families that feedback without follow-up is pointless. A family in West Seattle had a conversation with their house manager about better documentation of expenses. They never followed up to see if she’d actually started doing it. Six months later they were frustrated that her documentation was still poor, but they’d never reinforced that it was important by checking back in after the initial conversation.
When Feedback Doesn’t Lead to Improvement
Sometimes you give clear feedback and nothing changes. The person either can’t or won’t make the improvements you need. At that point you have to decide if this is something you can live with, or if it’s serious enough to end the employment. Don’t give the same feedback over and over hoping it’ll eventually work. that’s frustrating for everyone. If someone hasn’t improved after being given clear feedback and reasonable time to change, that tells you either they don’t have the capability or they don’t care enough to make the effort. Either way, the role probably isn’t right for them.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we see families give the same feedback repeatedly for months without any improvement, and they just keep hoping it’ll somehow get better. It won’t. A family in Redmond gave their estate manager feedback three separate times about the same issues over four months. Nothing changed. Finally they realized she either couldn’t do what they needed or wasn’t willing to, and they needed to replace her. The working relationship was already strained from the repeated conversations, so ending it was actually a relief for both sides.
The Sandwich Method Doesn’t Work
You might have heard you should “sandwich” negative feedback between positive comments. This doesn’t work and people see through it. “You’re doing great! But this thing is terrible. But overall great job!” The positive comments feel fake and the feedback gets lost. Just be direct and respectful. Start with a genuine positive if there is one, address what needs to improve clearly, and work on solutions together. Don’t try to soften feedback so much that the message gets lost.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we advise families to be straightforward rather than trying to manipulate the emotional tone with the sandwich technique. People would rather hear “Here’s what needs to improve and why it matters” than “You’re amazing! Except for this one huge thing. But you’re still amazing!” The second version doesn’t feel genuine and creates confusion about how serious the issue actually is.
Regular Check-Ins Prevent Big Problems
If you make feedback a regular part of how you manage rather than something that only happens when there’s a problem, it’s way less awkward. Monthly or quarterly check-ins where you discuss what’s going well and what could improve make feedback feel normal rather than alarming. Your staff member always knows where they stand. Issues get addressed when they’re small. Good work gets acknowledged regularly. The relationship feels more collaborative and less like you’re silently judging them until you explode with feedback.
At Seaside Staffing Company, families who build regular feedback into their management style have much healthier relationships with household staff. A family in Mercer Island does quarterly reviews with all their household staff. They discuss what’s working, what’s not, goals for the next quarter, and any compensation adjustments. Their staff members have said they appreciate always knowing how they’re doing rather than wondering if the family is secretly unhappy with something.
Giving feedback to household staff is uncomfortable the first few times, but it gets easier with practice and it’s essential to having good working relationships. Be specific about what needs to change. Have the conversation soon after you notice issues. Listen to their perspective. Work on solutions together. Follow up to make sure improvement happens. And if you make feedback a regular part of how you communicate rather than a crisis response, it stops feeling so awkward for everyone. Good household staff want to know how to do their jobs better. giving clear, respectful feedback helps them succeed in your home.
