Nobody tells you when you’re hiring household staff that sometimes you’ll end up managing interpersonal dynamics like you’re running an HR department. But that’s exactly what happens when you’ve got multiple employees working in your home and two of them just cannot get along with each other. The tension is palpable, the passive-aggressive comments are starting to leak into their work, and you’re standing there wondering how you ended up mediating personality conflicts in your own house.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we field questions about staff conflicts regularly, and the San Francisco Bay Area market seems particularly prone to this issue – probably because households here tend to employ multiple high-level staff who all have strong opinions about how things should be done. Your estate manager thinks the housekeeper is sloppy and doesn’t respect the systems he’s put in place. Your housekeeper thinks the estate manager is controlling and micromanages her work. And you’re caught in the middle trying to keep your household running smoothly while two professionals you’re paying good money can’t figure out how to work together.
The first thing you need to understand is that personality conflicts between household staff are normal and don’t automatically mean you hired the wrong people. When you’ve got multiple strong personalities working in close quarters, some friction is inevitable. The issue isn’t whether conflict exists – it’s whether the conflict is affecting their work and your household operations. If they don’t like each other but they’re both still performing their jobs well and maintaining professionalism, that’s actually fine. You’re not paying them to be friends. You’re paying them to do their jobs.
But when the conflict starts impacting performance – when your estate manager is undermining the housekeeper’s work, when your housekeeper is “forgetting” to complete tasks the estate manager assigned, when they’re both coming to you separately to complain about each other – that’s when you need to intervene. You can’t let interpersonal drama derail your household operations, and you definitely can’t let it continue to the point where one or both of them quit.
Start by having separate conversations with each person to understand what’s actually going on. Don’t bring them together for a joint conversation yet – that often just escalates things. Talk to each one individually and ask specific questions about what the other person is doing that’s creating problems. Don’t let them give you vague complaints like “she’s just difficult” or “he’s impossible to work with.” Push for concrete examples. “What specifically is she doing that’s making it hard for you to do your job?” You’re trying to figure out if this is a personality clash or if there’s a legitimate work issue underneath it.
Sometimes what looks like a personality conflict is actually a role clarity problem. Maybe your estate manager thinks he has authority over the housekeeper’s work and she thinks she reports directly to you. Maybe they both think they’re in charge of vendor management and they’re stepping on each other’s toes. Maybe one of them is overstepping their role and the other one is rightfully annoyed about it. If the root issue is unclear roles and responsibilities, that’s actually easier to fix than pure personality conflict.
Once you understand what’s happening, you need to set clear expectations with both of them. Have individual conversations where you explain that regardless of their personal feelings about each other, professional behavior is non-negotiable. They don’t have to like each other, they don’t have to socialize, but they do need to communicate respectfully, coordinate when their work overlaps, and stop involving you in their conflicts unless there’s a legitimate work issue that needs your decision.
Be specific about what professional behavior looks like in your household. “If you have a concern about how she’s handling something, you bring it directly to her first before coming to me. If you can’t resolve it between yourselves, then I’m happy to weigh in, but I’m not going to be the intermediary for every disagreement.” Make it clear that complaining about each other to you is not acceptable unless the issue is serious enough that it actually requires your intervention.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we coach families to think about this the way you’d handle it in a corporate environment. You wouldn’t tolerate employees constantly coming to you to complain about their coworkers, and you wouldn’t let interpersonal drama affect productivity. The same standards apply in your household. These are professionals who should be able to manage basic workplace relationships without constant supervision.
After you’ve had the individual conversations, you might need to bring them together for a joint meeting where you reset expectations. Keep it brief and focused on behavior, not feelings. “I’ve talked to both of you individually, and here’s what needs to change going forward. You need to communicate directly with each other about work issues. You need to maintain professional courtesy even when you disagree. Complaints about each other need to stop unless there’s a specific work problem that needs my input. Can you both commit to that?” Then hold them to it.
If the conflict is rooted in unclear roles, this is your opportunity to clarify. “Estate manager handles vendor relationships and budget decisions. Housekeeper handles day-to-day cleaning operations and manages her own schedule within the parameters we’ve agreed on. If there’s overlap or confusion about who handles what, we’ll address it as it comes up, but these are the basic boundaries.” Clear role definition eliminates a lot of conflict because people aren’t constantly questioning whether the other person has authority over their work.
Some families find that adjusting schedules helps. If your estate manager and housekeeper can’t stand each other, maybe they don’t need to be in the house at the same time every day. Maybe the housekeeper comes in earlier or later, or maybe they have different days when they’re both there versus days when they work solo. You lose some coordination benefit, but you gain peace in your household.
Pay attention to whether one person is the problem or if it’s genuinely a two-sided conflict. Sometimes you’ve got one staff member who’s difficult and creates conflict with everyone, and sometimes you’ve got two people who just bring out the worst in each other. If your estate manager has been great for three years and suddenly can’t get along with the new housekeeper, and the housekeeper also had issues at her last job, that tells you something about who the problem is.
After you’ve addressed it, give it a month and see if things improve. You should see immediate reduction in complaints and drama, even if the underlying tension still exists. If they’re both professionals who take their jobs seriously, they’ll dial back the conflict and focus on their work. If the drama continues or escalates, you’ve got a bigger problem.
At that point you need to make a decision about whether both staff are essential or whether you’re willing to lose one to keep the other. Sometimes that means firing the person who’s causing more problems. Sometimes it means accepting that two people who are individually excellent just can’t work together and you need to choose which one you keep. That’s a hard call, but it’s better than letting the conflict continue indefinitely while your household operations suffer.
What doesn’t work is pretending it’s not happening, hoping they’ll work it out themselves, or trying to keep both of them happy by agreeing with whoever you’re talking to at the moment. You’re the employer, you set the standards, and you enforce them. If two staff members can’t maintain basic professionalism with each other after you’ve addressed it directly, at least one of them needs to go.
The good news is that most staff conflicts can be managed if you address them early and clearly. People who are genuinely committed to their jobs will find a way to work together even if they don’t particularly like each other, because that’s what professionals do. The ones who can’t get past personal feelings to do their jobs probably aren’t the right fit for household employment anyway, because working in someone’s private home requires maturity and emotional intelligence.
Don’t let staff conflicts fester. Address them directly, set clear expectations, and follow through with consequences if the behavior doesn’t change. Your household should be running smoothly, not serving as a stage for workplace drama between employees who should know better.
