There’s a special kind of exhausting that comes from employing multiple household staff who can’t seem to talk to each other like adults. Your housekeeper comes to you complaining that your estate manager is being controlling. Your estate manager comes to you complaining that your housekeeper isn’t following the systems. Your house manager tells you the private chef is being difficult. Your private chef says the house manager doesn’t respect their space. And you’re standing there wondering when you became the workplace therapist for grown professionals who should be able to resolve basic interpersonal issues without dragging you into every disagreement.
This pattern of constant complaints and behind-the-back negativity creates toxic household dynamics that make everyone miserable. Your staff are focused on what annoys them about each other instead of doing their jobs well. You’re spending time mediating petty conflicts instead of running your household. And the actual issues that might be legitimate get lost in the noise of constant complaining. At Seaside Staffing Company, we see this dynamic develop in Seattle households where multiple staff work closely together, and stopping it requires clear boundaries and consequences.
The first step is recognizing that you’re enabling the behavior by accepting every complaint. When your housekeeper comes to you about your estate manager for the third time this week, and you listen sympathetically and validate their feelings, you’re teaching them that complaining to you is an acceptable way to handle conflict. You’re the complaint receptacle, and they’ve learned that coming to you gets them attention and sympathy without having to do the harder work of direct communication.
Stop accepting complaints about other staff unless they meet specific criteria. Your household staff should only bring interpersonal issues to you if they’ve already attempted to resolve it directly with the other person, if it’s serious enough to genuinely require your intervention, or if it’s creating a safety or legal issue. Everything else needs to be handled between the staff members involved without you in the middle.
When someone starts complaining to you about another staff member, interrupt them. “Have you talked to [name] about this directly?” If they say no, your response is “Please talk to them first, and if you can’t resolve it between yourselves, then we can discuss it together. But I’m not going to mediate conflicts that you haven’t attempted to resolve directly.” This is uncomfortable the first few times, but it establishes that you’re not available for gossip sessions.
If they say they already talked to the other person and it didn’t resolve anything, ask what specifically they said and what the response was. Often you’ll discover they had a vague, passive-aggressive conversation rather than a direct one. “I mentioned it” is not the same as “I clearly stated the problem and asked for specific change.” Many people think they’ve communicated when they’ve really just hinted around the issue.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we coach families to create clear protocols for conflict resolution among household staff. Professional adults should be able to say “When you reorganize my cleaning supplies without asking, it makes my work harder. Please check with me before moving things in areas I’m responsible for.” If that direct conversation doesn’t resolve the issue, then both parties come to you together – not separately with competing versions of events.
Joint meetings work better than individual complaints. When you hear about an issue between staff members, say “Let’s all sit down together and talk about this.” Suddenly people are a lot less interested in complaining when they have to do it with the other person present. The issues that are actually serious will still come up. The petty complaints and gossip will disappear when people know they’ll have to say everything in front of the person they’re complaining about.
Set explicit expectations that behind-the-back complaints and gossip are unprofessional and won’t be tolerated. “I expect everyone working in this household to communicate directly with each other about work issues. If you’re frustrated with how someone is doing their job or if there’s a conflict, address it with them directly and professionally. Coming to me to complain about each other behind backs is not acceptable.” Clear standards give you something to enforce when the behavior continues.
When someone violates this standard, address it immediately. “We’ve talked about the expectation that you communicate directly with [name] about work issues. You just spent 10 minutes complaining to me about them. This is exactly what I’ve asked you not to do. What’s preventing you from talking to them directly?” Make it uncomfortable to continue the behavior.
Some staff will tell you they don’t feel safe or comfortable talking directly to the other person. Probe that. Do they genuinely fear retaliation or aggressive response, or are they just uncomfortable with conflict? If there’s a legitimate safety or power dynamic concern, that’s different and might require your direct intervention. If they’re just avoiding difficult conversations, that’s something they need to develop the professional maturity to handle.
Pay attention to whether the complaining is reciprocal or one-sided. If everyone complains about everyone, you’ve got a culture problem in your household. If one person is constantly complaining about others but nobody complains about them, you might have someone who creates drama. If everyone complains about one specific person, that person might be the actual problem and your other staff are trying to alert you to it.
Create opportunities for staff to raise legitimate concerns without it feeling like complaint sessions. Regular check-ins where you ask “How are things going? Any issues you’re dealing with that I should know about?” lets people surface real problems in a constructive context. This is different from accepting constant unsolicited complaints about other staff members.
Some families find it helpful to have occasional all-staff meetings where everyone discusses household operations together. This creates a forum for addressing coordination issues, clarifying responsibilities, and resolving conflicts in a structured setting rather than through back-channel complaints. If your housekeeper is frustrated that your estate manager keeps changing systems without notice, that’s something that can be addressed in a group meeting rather than through individual complaints to you.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we see households transform when families stop accepting complaints and insist on direct communication. At first staff resist because it’s uncomfortable to confront each other directly. But once they realize you’re not going to serve as their complaint receptacle, most professional people will step up and handle conflicts appropriately. The ones who can’t or won’t do this reveal themselves as people who aren’t suited for working in close proximity with others.
Be consistent about enforcement. If you tell people not to complain behind backs but then listen sympathetically when they do, you’re not actually enforcing the standard. Every time someone tries to complain about another staff member, redirect them. “Please talk to them directly. If that doesn’t resolve it, we can all sit down together.” Don’t make exceptions because you like one person more or because the complaint seems particularly juicy.
Consider whether unclear roles and responsibilities are feeding the conflict. Sometimes staff complain about each other because they genuinely don’t know who’s responsible for what and they’re frustrated by overlapping or ambiguous authority. If this seems to be the root issue, the solution is clearer job descriptions and boundaries, not better conflict resolution.
Watch for alliances and faction-forming. If your housekeeper and private chef are constantly complaining about your estate manager together, you’ve got staff ganging up on each other. This is toxic and needs to be shut down immediately. Professional work environments don’t have Mean Girls cliques, and your household shouldn’t either.
If you’ve set clear standards, enforced them consistently, and the complaining continues, you need to make personnel decisions. Some people are fundamentally gossipy and negative and they poison work environments. If someone can’t stop complaining about their coworkers despite repeated direction to handle issues directly, they need to go work somewhere else where they don’t have coworkers.
The goal is a household where staff communicate directly and professionally with each other, where conflicts are addressed promptly and appropriately, and where you’re brought in only for issues that genuinely require your input or authority. This isn’t impossible to achieve – it’s the standard in functional professional environments everywhere. Your household staff should be capable of meeting this standard, and if they’re not, that tells you something important about their professional maturity.
Stop being the complaint receptacle. Set clear expectations about direct communication. Enforce those expectations consistently. And watch as your household dynamics shift from petty gossiping to professional collaboration. It’s possible, but only if you stop accepting the behavior you say you don’t want.
