Let’s be brutally honest about something that most household staffing agencies won’t tell you – the majority of reference checks families do for household staff candidates are completely worthless. You call the numbers the candidate gave you, you ask some basic questions, everyone says nice things, you hang up feeling good about the candidate, and you’ve learned absolutely nothing that will actually help you decide if this person should work in your home.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we’ve been conducting reference checks for household staff for over 20 years, and we’ve gotten pretty good at actually getting useful information instead of just pleasant platitudes. But we’ve also watched countless families hire someone based on “great references” only to have the placement fall apart within months, and when we dig into what their reference checking process actually involved, it’s no wonder they didn’t catch the red flags. They asked softball questions, they accepted vague positive responses, and they never pushed for the specific, concrete information that would have revealed the truth.
Here’s why most reference checks fail – you’re calling references that the candidate hand-picked because they knew those people would say nice things. You’re asking questions that are easy to answer positively. And you’re not creating any pressure for the reference to be honest about problems or concerns. The reference knows the candidate wants this job, they want to help the candidate get the job, and nothing you’re asking them requires them to say anything negative or give you information the candidate doesn’t want you to have.
We placed a house manager in Washington DC a few years ago, and the family was confused because the candidate’s references had been glowing. Six months into the placement, the house manager quit suddenly to take another position without giving proper notice, leaving the family completely in the lurch during their busy season. When we went back and really dug into the reference conversations, we realized the family had asked “Did she give appropriate notice when she left?” and the reference had said “Yes.” Technically true – she gave notice. What the reference didn’t mention was that she’d given exactly two weeks notice before leaving for a competitor, and that the previous family had felt pretty burned by it. The candidate’s reference wasn’t lying, but they also weren’t volunteering information that would make her look bad.
If you want reference checks that actually tell you something useful, you need to completely change how you approach them. Start by understanding what you’re trying to learn. You’re not trying to confirm that this person exists and had a job. You’re trying to understand their work style, their strengths and weaknesses, how they handle conflict, whether they’re reliable, and whether there are any serious concerns you need to know about before you invite them into your private home. Those things require very specific questions and follow-up.
First, verify that the person you’re speaking with actually employed the candidate in the capacity they claim. This sounds obvious, but we’ve seen candidates list “references” who were actually friends or family members pretending to be former employers. Ask specific questions about the household setup, the candidate’s responsibilities, and how they worked together. If the reference is vague or can’t give you details, something’s wrong.
Once you’ve verified the relationship, don’t ask yes/no questions. Don’t ask “Was she punctual?” because the reference will just say yes even if punctuality was occasionally an issue. Instead ask “Tell me about her punctuality and reliability.” Then wait. Let them fill the silence. A lot of references will start with a positive statement like “She was generally reliable” and then, if you just wait instead of immediately moving to the next question, they’ll add “although there was a period where she was dealing with some personal stuff and her schedule was less consistent.” That second part is the information you needed, and you would have missed it if you’d rushed to the next question.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we have a specific set of questions we ask every single reference, and we ask them in a specific order designed to get increasingly detailed information. We start broad and positive to make the reference comfortable, then we progressively ask more specific and harder questions. We ask things like “What would you say were her three greatest strengths in this role?” followed by “What were the areas where she needed the most support or development?” Most references will give you real information if you ask for it directly and frame it as normal to discuss both strengths and growth areas.
One question that almost always gets useful information: “If you were hiring someone for a similar role today, would you rehire this person, and why or why not?” The reference’s hesitation or enthusiasm will tell you a lot. If they immediately say “Absolutely, in a heartbeat” that’s different than “Well, it would depend on the specific role and what I needed.” That hesitation is information. Follow up on it. “What specific situations or role requirements would make you hesitate?”
Pay close attention to what references don’t say. If you ask about strengths and they give you vague qualities like “She was nice” or “She tried hard” instead of concrete skills and accomplishments, that’s a red flag. Nice and trying hard are what you say about someone who wasn’t actually very good at their job but you don’t want to trash them. If someone was genuinely excellent, the reference will have specific examples of things they accomplished, problems they solved, ways they exceeded expectations.
Here’s a question families almost never ask but absolutely should: “Why did the employment end?” And then follow up based on the answer. If they say the candidate left for another opportunity, ask “How did she handle the transition? How much notice did she give? What was that final period like?” If they say it was a mutual decision or the family no longer needed the help, ask “Was there anything that contributed to that timing?” Sometimes you’ll uncover that the “mutual decision” was really the family being unhappy with performance but trying to allow the candidate to save face by framing it as a mutual parting.
We were doing reference checks for a private chef candidate last year, and when we asked why the employment ended, the reference said the family was moving internationally and couldn’t take the chef with them. Totally plausible explanation. But when we asked “How did the chef handle the news and the transition?” the reference paused and said “Well, honestly, she was pretty difficult about it. She felt entitled to come with us even though the new location made that impossible, and the last two months were awkward.” That’s information the candidate definitely wasn’t volunteering, and it told us a lot about how she handles disappointment and professional boundaries.
Another hugely important question: “How did she handle feedback or direction?” If the reference hesitates or says something like “She was usually pretty receptive” with emphasis on usually, you’ve just learned that this person has trouble taking feedback. Push on that. “Can you tell me about a time when she struggled with feedback?” Most references, if you’ve built rapport and asked in a genuinely curious way, will give you an example. That example will tell you more about the candidate’s character than anything they said in the interview.
Ask about specific scenarios relevant to your household. If you work from home and the candidate will need to work around you, ask “How did she handle having the employers home during work hours?” If you have kids and the role involves any childcare interaction, ask “How did she interact with your children?” If reliability is important to you, ask “Tell me about her sick day usage and whether there were any attendance concerns.” Specific questions get specific answers.
Here’s something most families don’t do – call references the candidate didn’t give you. If you have the name of a previous employer from the resume but they’re not listed as a reference, track them down and call them anyway. The candidate left them off the reference list for a reason, and that reason might be information you need. Obviously not every previous employer is going to talk to you, but some will, and when they do, you often get the real story.
We did this with a house manager candidate who listed her three most recent positions as references but left off a position from four years prior. When we tracked down that previous employer and asked why they thought they weren’t listed, the employer said “Probably because we had to let her go for theft.” The candidate had claimed she left that position for a better opportunity. When confronted, she initially denied it, then admitted it but said it was “a misunderstanding,” and eventually we pieced together that she’d been taking household supplies for personal use and got caught. The three references she did provide had no idea about any of this.
Don’t just ask what went well – specifically ask what concerns or challenges the reference might flag for a future employer. Frame it as “I want to set this person up for success in our household, so if there are any areas where she struggled or needed extra support in your household, I’d love to know about them upfront.” Most references will give you something when you ask it that way, because you’re not asking them to trash the candidate, you’re asking them to help you understand how to manage the candidate effectively.
Listen for enthusiasm versus politeness. A reference who genuinely loved working with someone will sound different than a reference who’s just trying to say nice things to help someone get a new job. They’ll have energy in their voice, they’ll volunteer additional positive information beyond what you asked, they’ll tell you unprompted stories about great things the person did. If you’re getting flat, rehearsed-sounding answers and the reference sounds like they’re trying to get through a checklist, that tells you something too.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we also pay attention to how long references take to return our calls and how willing they are to talk. If a reference is enthusiastic and calls you back immediately and makes time for a lengthy conversation, that’s a good sign. If they’re consistently hard to reach, give you the bare minimum information, and seem eager to get off the phone, they might be trying to avoid saying anything negative while also not wanting to give a glowing endorsement for someone they don’t actually want to recommend.
One thing we always do – we call references from our business line, not from a personal cell phone, and we’re clear about who we are and that we’re conducting reference checks for professional household staffing. Some references are more honest when they know they’re talking to professionals who will understand industry context versus talking to a family who might not understand the nuances. We’ve had references tell us things in these calls that they probably wouldn’t tell the family directly because they know we’ll translate it into appropriate context.
After you’ve done the reference check, ask yourself what you learned that you didn’t already know from the resume and interview. If the answer is “nothing,” you did it wrong. A good reference check should give you new information, either confirming your positive impression with specific examples and details, or raising concerns that you need to address with the candidate directly. If you’re just checking boxes and confirming employment dates, you’re wasting everyone’s time.
And here’s the thing – if something concerning comes up during reference checks, don’t automatically disqualify the candidate without talking to them about it. Give them a chance to address it. “Your reference mentioned X, can you help me understand that situation?” Their response will tell you a lot. If they get defensive and deny it or blame the reference, that’s concerning. If they acknowledge it and explain what they learned or how they’ve grown, that might be fine.
Reference checks are not a formality. They’re one of the most important tools you have to evaluate whether someone is going to be a good fit for your household. But only if you actually use them to get real information instead of just collecting positive statements from hand-picked cheerleaders. Ask hard questions, push for specifics, pay attention to what’s not being said, and don’t be afraid to have uncomfortable conversations to get to the truth. Your household deserves better than a hire based on worthless reference checks.
