Your estate manager just asked for two weeks off in December. Your housekeeper wants a week off right before you’re hosting a major family event. Your private chef needs time in the summer during your peak entertaining season. Every single request is for time that would be massively inconvenient for your household, and you’re standing there trying to figure out how to say no without being the villain who denies people their earned time off.
The tension between staff PTO rights and household operational needs is one of the most common sources of conflict in private service employment, and Nashville families seem to run into this constantly – maybe because households here tend to have busy social calendars that create specific high-demand periods when you really can’t afford to be short-staffed. At Seaside Staffing Company, we help families think through PTO policies before these conflicts arise, because reactive decision-making in the moment usually leads to resentment on one side or the other.
First, understand what you actually committed to when you hired your staff. What does their employment contract or offer letter say about PTO? If you promised them three weeks of vacation to be used at their discretion, then you don’t actually have the right to veto their requests unless you specified blackout periods or approval processes in writing. If you said they get PTO but you need to approve timing, then you do have more control. Know what you agreed to before you decide how to respond.
The ideal time to address this is during hiring, not when someone’s already requested time off. Your offer letter should specify how much PTO they get, what the approval process looks like, whether there are blackout periods, and how much notice they need to give. “You’ll receive three weeks of PTO annually. Requests should be submitted at least 60 days in advance when possible. We have blackout periods during major holidays when we host family events, and we’ll notify you of those dates at the beginning of each year. All PTO requires advance approval based on household operational needs.”
If you didn’t set clear policies upfront, you’re working from a weaker position now. You can’t retroactively tell someone they can’t use vacation time you promised them just because it’s inconvenient. But you can have a conversation about impact and see if there’s flexibility.
Start by acknowledging that their PTO request is legitimate while being honest about the impact. “I know you’re entitled to this time off and I want you to be able to take it. The timing is challenging because we have X major event happening and Y responsibilities that really need coverage. Help me understand – is this timeframe essential for specific reasons, or is there flexibility in when you could take this time?” Sometimes people request specific dates because of family obligations or pre-paid travel, and sometimes they’re flexible but just picked dates without thinking about household impact.
If the timing is truly essential for them – they’re attending a wedding, they’ve already bought tickets, family is visiting – you probably need to approve it even if it’s inconvenient. That’s part of the deal with employing humans. They have lives and commitments outside your household. Your estate manager’s sister is only getting married once, and making them choose between their job and being there for family creates resentment that will poison the working relationship.
When the dates are essential, focus on mitigation. How can you make it work despite the timing? Can they help find and train temporary coverage? Can they front-load or back-load certain responsibilities so the time they’re gone is less disruptive? Can they be available for urgent calls or questions even while they’re off? You’re not asking them to work during vacation, but you are asking them to help solve the problem their absence creates.
If the dates aren’t actually essential and they’re just preferred, you have room to negotiate. “I really need you here the week of the 15th because we’re hosting an event that requires your expertise. But I’d love to make the following week or the month before work for your vacation. Would either of those alternatives work for you?” Most reasonable people will be flexible if you’re approaching it as a collaborative problem rather than a diktat.
Consider whether this is really about PTO or about being understaffed. If you’re constantly in a position where one person taking vacation creates chaos, you might not have adequate staffing coverage for your actual household needs. Maybe you need an additional part-time person who can step in during PTO periods. Maybe you need cross-training so other staff can cover essential functions. Don’t blame your staff for wanting vacation when the real issue is that you’ve structured your household to have no redundancy.
Think about precedent and fairness. If you approved your housekeeper’s request for time during your busy season last year, you can’t turn around and deny your estate manager’s similar request this year. If you’ve been flexible with some staff about timing, you need to extend the same flexibility to everyone. Perceived favoritism around PTO is a fast way to create staff resentment and conflict.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we recommend families be as generous as possible with PTO approval unless there are genuine operational crises that make it impossible. Staff who feel like they can’t use their earned vacation time will leave for jobs where they can. Staff who feel trusted to manage their time and take care of their personal needs tend to be more loyal and more productive when they are working.
That said, there are legitimate situations where you need to say no. If your estate manager wants two weeks off starting tomorrow and you’re hosting a major event, that’s not reasonable notice and you can decline. If multiple staff all request the same week off and approving everyone would leave your household unmanaged, you can require them to coordinate so you maintain coverage. If someone consistently requests time during peak periods despite knowing the impact, you can address that pattern as a performance issue.
When you do need to say no, be clear about why and offer alternatives. “I can’t approve this specific week because of X operational need, but I can approve either the week before or the two weeks after. Let me know which works better for you and we’ll make it happen.” You’re not denying them vacation, you’re asking for different timing.
Document PTO policies and decisions. Keep track of when people requested time, what was approved or denied and why, and what the impacts were. This protects you from claims of unfair treatment and helps you identify patterns – maybe you’re always short-staffed in December, which tells you that you need either a blackout policy for that period or additional seasonal coverage.
After someone returns from PTO, pay attention to whether they come back refreshed and engaged or burned out and resentful. If they come back worse than when they left, something about how you handled their time off went wrong. Maybe you contacted them too much while they were gone, maybe you made them feel guilty about taking time, or maybe the chaos they came back to made it feel like vacation wasn’t worth the stress.
Give them the same courtesy you’d want – when they’re on approved PTO, leave them alone unless there’s a genuine emergency. Don’t text them questions that can wait. Don’t make them feel like taking vacation means abandoning you. When they return, welcome them back and get them up to speed efficiently rather than making them regret taking time off.
Some families solve the busy season problem by offering incentive pay for staff who can be flexible about timing. “I know the summer is when a lot of people want vacation time, but it’s also our busiest period. If you’re willing to take your vacation during our slower fall season instead, I’ll give you an extra week of PTO or a bonus of $X.” You’re not denying them time off, you’re creating incentives for them to choose timing that works better for your household.
Build a culture where PTO is encouraged rather than merely tolerated. Check in with staff who haven’t taken vacation in a while and encourage them to use their time. Help them plan around household schedules so they can take meaningful time off without stress. When staff feel like you genuinely want them to rest and recharge, they’re more likely to work with you on timing rather than feeling like they need to fight for every day off.
The goal is mutual respect and clear communication. Your staff have earned their PTO and they deserve to use it. You have legitimate operational needs and it’s fair to ask them to consider household impact when planning time off. Most conflicts can be resolved when both parties approach it collaboratively rather than adversarially. Set clear policies, communicate openly, be as flexible as you can, and work together to find solutions that let people take needed time off while keeping your household running smoothly.
